The Daily Grindr – Terrible Twinks and Detestable Daddies

As a 26-year-old gay guy living in this day and age, hook-up apps are not only THE way to go but almost an unspoken necessity, as they make every fear about actual interaction and flirtation simple (if not slightly reprehensible). Obviously I do in fact have a Grindr account, and have probably deleted and re-downloaded the app several thousand times. And yet, day after gay day, I continue validating its presence on my phone as the most practical way for me to navigate the Columbus gay scene.

That being said, there’s a reason why I have a love/hate relationship with the app, and that is simply because about 90% of Grindr users are 100% trash. Simple as that. They are detestable twinks, daddies and cum dumpsters all consorting amongst themselves to enact whatever despicable game they want to play in the moment. The citizens of Grindr are so fascinatingly unintelligent and borderline prostitutes that I think Logo should cancel RuPaul and run an expose of the whole operation in her timeslot. No joke.

From my experience, it is so entirely clear from the moment you start a conversation with anyone on Grindr the type of responses you’ll be eliciting. For instance, I write and speak in complete sentences so when all I’m getting are “hey”, “sup”, “n2m” responses, I become naturally irate and initiate my UBER TROLL mode. Not even kidding, I have pages of saved screenshots of collective stupid shit said to me on Grindr. And what do I do when confronted with this level of rudeness for rudeness’ sake? Match it with over-the-top sass that would make even NeNe Leakes cringe.

And this, ultimately makes me feel like I’ve won a battle in the gay community, albeit a made up one. God! All I really wanted to do was just fuck. FUCK!

Inevitably, it is an endurance test. You really have to wade the waters of pretentious twinks and shirtless buff torsos at 4am that “aren’t looking for sex”, as well as the “how the hell did you bypass my age filter?” daddies (who promise Caribbean cruises and loads of meth if you just meet them for drinks at Boscoes) to even find whoever is—literally—on the same page as you. It bogs a gay guy down, honestly. When all I wanted was a hookup, you can’t just be bombarding my phone with dick pics and your goddamn porn channel. Let’s just try and pretend to have a little class, eh?

Basically, Grindr is hit or mess to the extreme. I really want to find like-minded individuals who are DTF or, if not that, just cool people to talk to, meet, have coffee with, and THEN have sex with. I mean, cause that’s really the only reason people are downloading fucking Grindr in the first place. All I’m saying is that it could totally be a practical tool for all gay men to have in their pocket but if you don’t take a breather, you’ll find yourself sucked into a dramatic, toxic, vodka laden rollercoaster that rides its way through the gay community as all the bottoms hop on thinking ‘it’ll be fun’ and all the tops just lay there and do nothing. Thanks gays, but I think it’s time to think again.

Author: Patrick Schaefer

A singer, musician, actor, satirist, smart-ass, and not very serious person at all times, Patrick spent the first 10 years of his life locked up in a cupboard under the stairs with the dreadful Dursleys. Unfortunately, hack of all trades, JK Rowling stole his life story and changed him into a wizard or some shit. Whatever though, Patrick takes it all in stride and will sing along to “Break My Stride” no matter how extremely white and gay it makes him sound. He currently resides in a commercialized apartment complex with neighbors who all look exactly the same.

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