How Not to Get Screwed if You Have to Work for The Man

A commie bastard’s guide to navigating workplace treachery.


Greetings, comrade! Pull up a seat and stay for a while, won’t you? I know it can be taxing promulgating the ideals of Marx and Weber to the bootlicking masses—wage slaves, eerily content under the crushing weight of a capitalist leviathan, easily placated by mantras of picking themselves up by the bootstraps (boy, we communists sure enjoy a strangely boot-centric lexicon, don’t we?) Well, fear not! Vegan Dogfood is a safe space for all proles to commiserate.

We, like you, would like nothing more than to overthrow a system that perpetually invents ever-changing constructs meant to devalue your ideas and commodify your labor. Also, like you, we’ll still be clocking in for our awful day jobs tomorrow and paying off our cars. But hey, just because nobody’s occupying this or that anymore doesn’t mean we have to take it all lying down! Throughout this article you will find a list of malicious workplace situations and their corresponding defenses for that next time you find yourself on the business end of your place of business.

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The Cult of Motherhood – Raising Your Child in a Post-Pinterest World

This morning, I pulled myself out of bed 35 minutes after my alarm went off, exhausted, because my son is learning to share so this week and he decided to share his cold with me. I took a two minute and 30 second shower, passed the cute skirt and cardigan outfit I had laid out for myself and put on a pair of pants I hate because I didn’t have time to shave my legs (for the third day in a row). I rubbed some cancer causing baby powder in my unwashed hair, dug through a make-up bag of disappointing products I bought on sale at the drugstore after studying one or more of the Kardashian-Jenners’ Instagram feeds, and pulled out a tube of mascara and swept it across my lashes. I got my 2 year old out of bed, dressed, and off to daycare. My morning routine took 27 minutes from start to finish. It helps that my husband makes the kid breakfast before he leaves for the day. My breakfast comes in the form of fruit and a 100 calorie yogurt I enjoy at my desk, still believing that I might someday drop this pesky 35 pounds of baby weight I’ve been carrying around since March of 2014, when I entered the Cult of Motherhood.
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6 Pros and Cons of Defecting to Finland

It is a known rite of passage in America that all pseudo-anarcho-white guys, upon their first visit to a different country—ANY country—have to make a clichéd statement, pronouncing how much America sucks. Well, I knew this day would have to come sooner or later, so here goes: FINLAND GOT IT RIGHT AND AMERICA IS WACK AS HELL. Why? I’m glad you asked! Here are six reasons that will piss off your xenophobic uncle. Also, in the spirit of fairness, six possible drawbacks. Continue reading “6 Pros and Cons of Defecting to Finland”

I Microdosed for My Last Week at a Failing Startup

For two years I sat behind a desk at one of those ultra-trendy, twenty-teen’s web startups.

You know, the kind that you ride your longboard to and from. The kind where you “work hard and play hard”. The kind with paychecks that you use to buy ugly dressers at Restoration Hardware. Recently the company fell on hard times and I was let go, with the option of staying on for an extra week to finish up some projects. Uncertain of my financial future, I went home, drank a 40 oz. of King Cobra—as is mandatory when you get fired from any job—and plotted out what the next few months would mean. That’s when I remembered the tinfoil in my freezer with 2 ½ hits of the world’s gnarliest acid wrapped inside. Continue reading “I Microdosed for My Last Week at a Failing Startup”