Illustrated by Nate McDonough
Scientists have recently found a correlation in the brain patterns of teenagers and republicans. As it turns out, conservatives tend to have larger amygdala, the parts of the brain responsible for the majority of our survival instincts like fear and disgust, but also community and emotion. While people on the left generally have a more defined anterior cingulate cortex, the brain region most closely associated with coping, delayed gratification, and the ability to look at multiple solutions. This also happens to be the region of our brain that matures the slowest—not fully formed until age 25 or so—mainly due to the inherent dangers our species faced before this failed social contract of ours.
So in order for early humans to stay alive long enough to have children of their own, their brains needed to be hyper aware of anything that could potentially kill them; anything that could sap their resources; and all of the things that could take away their stuff. It’s not until we reach adulthood that the grey matter in our brains expands and the constant fight-or-flight triggers presumably subside.
Still, even though we can pinpoint the evolutionary and developmental reasons why, it doesn’t stop me from telling my nineteen year old cousin to go to hell when she passes around some Change.org petition to drug test those in need of federal aid. Here are five reasons Megan needs to shut the fuck up! Continue reading “5 Things My Bratty Cousin Gets Wrong about Drug Testing for Government Assistance”
Poem by Rob O’Donnell
This morning, I pulled myself out of bed 35 minutes after my alarm went off, exhausted, because my son is learning to share so this week and he decided to share his cold with me. I took a two minute and 30 second shower, passed the cute skirt and cardigan outfit I had laid out for myself and put on a pair of pants I hate because I didn’t have time to shave my legs (for the third day in a row). I rubbed some cancer causing baby powder in my unwashed hair, dug through a make-up bag of disappointing products I bought on sale at the drugstore after studying one or more of the Kardashian-Jenners’ Instagram feeds, and pulled out a tube of mascara and swept it across my lashes. I got my 2 year old out of bed, dressed, and off to daycare. My morning routine took 27 minutes from start to finish. It helps that my husband makes the kid breakfast before he leaves for the day. My breakfast comes in the form of fruit and a 100 calorie yogurt I enjoy at my desk, still believing that I might someday drop this pesky 35 pounds of baby weight I’ve been carrying around since March of 2014, when I entered the Cult of Motherhood.
Continue reading “The Cult of Motherhood – Raising Your Child in a Post-Pinterest World”
By the time Kanye West released his much anticipated fourth studio album, 808s and Heartbreak, the world had already grown tired of the auto¬tuned vocoder voice popularized by T-pain and emulated, repeatedly, by a multitude of mediocre artists. Every singer, rapper, and producer living in their mother’s basement who saved up every penny from their retail I.T. job to buy Ableton already knew the trend was nearing its death rattle. None of that deterred Kanye West from releasing AN ENTIRE ALBUM OF AUTO-TUNED VOCALS, spewing lazily written lyrics over admittedly catchy but repetitive beats. If not for the sheer size and buoyancy of his ego he would have drowned along with the record. This cautionary tale speaks to the dangers of over saturating the social market. Too much of any one thing, no matter how unique, will turn the people against you (I resist bringing up the Scary Movie franchise, it’s already embarrassing enough for everybody) and it seems that we’ve reached this boiling point with movie and show remakes as well. A friend accurately pointed out once, that there will eventually be an entire generation whose whole upbringing will be on hand me downs, remakes, retcons, and nothing of original substance. And while this downer of an observation may eventually come to fruition, I assert that there is still room for one more remake, a franchise that nerds and 30 to 40 somethings everywhere have been waving an itchy finger over the restart button almost since its conception. I put it to you, dear readers THE ARGUMENT TO REMAKE HIGHLANDER
Continue reading “We Might as Well Just Remake Highlander”
It is a known rite of passage in America that all pseudo-anarcho-white guys, upon their first visit to a different country—ANY country—have to make a clichéd statement, pronouncing how much America sucks. Well, I knew this day would have to come sooner or later, so here goes: FINLAND GOT IT RIGHT AND AMERICA IS WACK AS HELL. Why? I’m glad you asked! Here are six reasons that will piss off your xenophobic uncle. Also, in the spirit of fairness, six possible drawbacks. Continue reading “6 Pros and Cons of Defecting to Finland”
Here’s a fun game I came up with while waiting for the neighborhood bus.
Illustrated by Nate McDonough of GRIXLY (the same guy who did our banner!)
Woah now, put those @’s away and hear me out for a sec, yeah?
I’m not just another one of those self-loathing Millennials, too cool for a kid’s game. On the contrary, I was memorizing the Pokedex long after most people my age were learning about investment portfolios and how to overpay for grilled cheese. To me, Pokemon has always been an amazing concept—vastly superior to sports or hour-long dramas—so trust me when I say that this critique comes from a place of true concern. Continue reading “The 5 Real Reasons Pokemon Go Sucks”
For two years I sat behind a desk at one of those ultra-trendy, twenty-teen’s web startups.
You know, the kind that you ride your longboard to and from. The kind where you “work hard and play hard”. The kind with paychecks that you use to buy ugly dressers at Restoration Hardware. Recently the company fell on hard times and I was let go, with the option of staying on for an extra week to finish up some projects. Uncertain of my financial future, I went home, drank a 40 oz. of King Cobra—as is mandatory when you get fired from any job—and plotted out what the next few months would mean. That’s when I remembered the tinfoil in my freezer with 2 ½ hits of the world’s gnarliest acid wrapped inside. Continue reading “I Microdosed for My Last Week at a Failing Startup”