Dimly Lit Food – Burrito & Burrito & Omelet Superslam

Welcome to a new column here on this site, a step by step recipe guide on how to prepare delicious and (sometimes healthy) meals while perpetually broke. My last submission was just me following the directions on a standard package of ramen and got rejected immediately, so this time I decided to up my game. It took me a few beers to think of what to make and then, when I came up with the idea, I realized I didn’t have the ingredients. So I decided to just scrounge for what I had in the kitchen anyway. I’ll level with you, I had gone out to the grocery store a few days ago but I just didn’t want to go again. After sleeping in my own indolence until noon I had no desire to start being productive. I did however wish to eat, which is how you get:

TWO MEALS IN ONE!!!!

That’s right humans! You get two recipes tied into one big bushel of wordsmithing. It’s pretty simple, not much changes between the two and they’re both pretty easy to follow and not overly expensive so long as you know portion control, which I don’t. Today we’re talking breakfast because it’s the meal that is socially acceptable to eat anytime, every day.

I made this easy on you all because I understand developing a new skill can be difficult and trying to be fiscally responsible is a thing that no one ever taught, so why should you be expected to know it now?


Ingredients:

1 Kielbasa Sausage (check the marked down section. Pro tip: sausage expiration dates are a scam*)
2 Russet Potatoes
1 handful Spinach, chopped
Half a Red Pepper, chopped
Half a Yellow Onion, chopped
1 Avocado
Lemon juice
Salt, Pepper
Adobo yellow spice
1 Jalapeno, chopped
2 Large Eggs
Tortilla Shells (Soft but not Drake-soft)
Cheddar Cheese and Sour Cream (optional, but not really)


Boil water, because you’re gonna make those potatoes sing karaoke when you’re done with them. I like my potatoes dirty so I don’t usually peel them but you do what you feel is right. Rinse them in water and check for any dry rot. You can get rid of the eyes but I mean, why? That’s so much extra work for no reason other than aesthetics and who are we kidding. Once you’ve finished all that cut in half and slice thin. When the water is boiling throw them in for about 10-15 minutes.

While your potatoes are boiling you can cook up your sliced onion in some olive oil or Extra Virgin Olive Oil if you’re into that kinda thing, or Coconut oil if you are really afraid of cancer. When the onions are a tad translucent add in sliced red pepper and sliced up kielbasa sausage. You can keep that on medium until the potatoes are done boiling.

At this point you want to drain the potatoes, a sieve or colander works best. Your cupped hands or a nearby towel do not. Once drained you can take the onions and sausage out of the pan and put them on a nearby plate to wait for their ultimate taste sensations to come to life.

DLF1
Literally, this food will be so good that it will acquire sentience and become aware of how tasty it is. Playing God, in essence.
I like this version of potatoes because they’re so similar to diner hash browns. I like home fries as well but those are best cooked in the oven and we can worry about that one in a later recipe.
I like this version of potatoes because they’re so similar to diner hash browns. I like home fries as well but those are best cooked in the oven and we can worry about that one in a later recipe.

While those potatoes are firming up, now is the time to make the best recipe that you will probably use ever. This is the heart of my food really at any time, guacamole. Sometimes I get fancy and sometimes I just shove my face into an avocado and forget to come up for air, but for a simple guac recipe here is my favorite. Cut the avocado in half, remove the pit with a knife, then with a spoon go between the meat and the shell and scoop the innards into a bowl. Toss a little lemon juice, salt, pepper, Adobo yellow spice, and some chopped jalapeno into the bowl and mash with fork. Mix well and you have guacamole that you can do anything with.

Don’t like spicy food? Tough shit, we aren’t here for you.
Don’t like spicy food? Tough shit, we aren’t here for you.

At this point your potatoes, which you have been keeping an eye on right? And flipping occasionally, right? They’re pretty firmed up and maybe browning? Put half of them in a bowl and mix with chopped up spinach, mix well and freely. Those are gonna go inside your breakfast burrito, along with however much of your kielbasa, peppers, and onions you can stuff into a tortilla (probably 1/3). Add some of that guacamole and boom. Burrito made.

DLF4

Wanna make it better? Add, cheese or sour cream then roll it up nice and grill it a bit in your now-full-of-flavor pan where you made those potatoes. Put it in a piece of aluminum foil and now you have a later meal for when you’re too poor to go get a burger with your coworkers.

DLF5
Attention Mexican “Bistros”: if your burritos are $8 or more and not roughly the same heft as a newborn human, you are overcharging!

Now throw those leftover potatoes back on that frying pan and let them sit there, slowly cooking on low, while you make MORE BREAKFAST!

Take two jumbo eggs and crack ‘em in a bowl (please take the shells away) and throw in some chopped spinach and some pepper and stir.

DLF6

In a non-stick and/or well-oiled hot pan pour the egg mixture into the pan, keep heat fairly low. Dump in your extra kielbasa, pepper, and onion (whatever doesn’t fit, just make another burrito with). Shred in some cheddar cheese and dollop on some guacamole. Be careful, you still have to close the omelet. Carefully flip the top half onto your omelet, this part can take some practice honestly. I could talk your ear off about the right technique but you really just need to keep doing it to get it right, i.e. make a lot of omelets.

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Put a lid on it and let it finish cooking. When that’s done you have an omelet and hash browns!

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Unless you also managed to find cherry pierogis in your fridge! If you did, add sour cream. Or apple sauce. Bitch.

Yay, you learned how to cook two meals, now get going, you’re late for work!

*The author takes no responsibility for any damage or loss of life by sausage-related statements made in this column that are exaggerated, embellished, or patently untrue. No one ever said cooking would be easy.

Author: Leon Axt

A Letter to the editor from a concerned Employee: Dear Asshats, I’m not vegan and most of my food will not be either. Sincerely and with proper accreditation, 🖕The Guy in Charge of Food 🖕

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