Damn, 2017, You Wild! – 6 Updates To Last Year’s Stories

Either through changes in US laws, previously unearthed information, or stuff we just straight up got wrong – these are the stories that we had to revise.

Well the internet’s a dang mess, innit? It seems like every day there’s some online news organization fucking up in fresh and impressive ways. Whether it’s The New York Times hiring a climate change denierNPR citing anti-Muslim extremists as experts on Iran, or whatever frothing butthole sounds Vox is making this time, it would appear that the #resistance is trying their hardest to turn Trump’s fake news claims into a sound defense.

And hey, just because we don’t have a budget, a staff, or any sort of journalistic scruples to note doesn’t mean that Vegan Dogfood should be held any less accountable if one of our stories lays a turd. It’s like our new not-in-the-least-bit-sanctimonious slogan that I just thought up says: “Democracy Dies in Darkness”

So with that, here are the six stories we updated for the summer of 2017, with links to their original articles.

1 – Obama’s Overtime Rule Was Like, The First Thing Trump Threw Out

How Not to Get Screwed if You Have to Work for The Man

In the second entry to our list of devious workplace traps and their corresponding solutions, we cited The Fair Labor Standards Act as the answer to companies that take advantage of entry level office workers.

The bill was supposed to increase the threshold that salaried employees could earn, while still qualifying for overtime, from the current $23,660/year up to $47,476/year.

But on November 22, Texas federal judge Amos L. Mazzant III, issued a preliminary injunction blocking the bill from taking effect.

Amos L. Mazzant III
Ha! That’s your boyfriend.

As it stands, the government has until June 30th to revisit The Fair Labor Standards Act, but at the time of this writing (and with newly appointed Justice Gor-Dawg) that seems unlikely.

You also may have heard about a new Republican backed overtime bill called The Working Families Flexibility Act. It’s one of the wonkier laws to come about in the past few months but the long and short of it states that employees who are able to earn overtime can instead arrange with their employer to accrue an equal amount of paid time off, if certain conditions are agreed upon.

Sounds… kind of less evil than what we’re used to from these guys, actually. That is, until you start to think about it. Paul Ryan and his goons have never worked a day in their lives and have no idea just how petty the average boss in America actually is.

The worker has zero leverage in any of these negotiations. What are the chances that an already precariously employed working class parent is likely to risk drawing attention to his or herself by haggling over PTO?

As the great Warren Ellis put it, the average manager is “a worthless scrap of frogshit with a pulse and a bit of authority.” All it takes is an especially mercurial supervisor to feel in the slightest bit threatened by your request and the next minuscule error you make will be your last thanks to this GOP half-measure.

Shit and fuck!

2 – Arkansas Now Just Two More Heartless Laws Away From Enacting Real Life The Purge

5 Things My Bratty Cousin Gets Wrong about Drug Testing for Government Assistance

I wrote this article in the fall of 2016 after I noticed that my younger cousin, Megan had shared an online petition in favor of instituting mandatory drug tests for government assistance in Ohio. I immediately saw this as a chance to educate a member of my family but mostly I just can’t ever pass up an opportunity to dunk on a Libertarian teenager.

Sadly, a few things have changed for the worse since last year; for starters, more states are on this bullshit than before. Even though it’s been proven to cost each state in the long run exponentially more than what they’d theoretically be saving in withheld benefits, Republicans continue to willfully ignore best practices in favor of systems that punish the less fortunate.

The most grievous offender in recent months however is Arkansas. They just passed a law to extend their drug testing program indefinitely.

Meanwhile, Megan gets high as fuck on the money her parents give her to buy textbooks. Meritocracy, baby!

3 – Weak Ass Startup Bros Have Finally Made Drugs Uncool

I Microdosed for My Last Week at a Failing Startup

This was Vegan Dogfood’s flagship article! I had a magical two weeks between leaving my job at a startup and figuring out how to run this website, none of which would have been possible without the aid of some straight up gnar-gnar acid.

Unfortunately, the secret’s out that a little bit of LSD a day is the key to not sucking at your job and a bunch of Silicon Valley wangs are ruining it.

I know I’ve touched on this in the past but I just need to reiterate: only use these kinds of drugs recreationally.

Unless you are going to be punk rock as hell and start your own DIY news and culture publication, that is.

 4 – Pokemon Go Has IVs, Still Sucks

The 5 Real Reasons Pokemon Go Sucks

In this article’s first entry I argued against Pokemon Go’s legitimacy, citing the absence of the original game’s Individual Values — hidden stats that Redditors can manipulate in order to whoop some middle school ass.

It turns out, however, that all of my righteous gatekeeping was for naught and that the good people over at Niantic had programmed a functioning, albeit simplified, version of IVs into their game’s code all along.

Here’s IGN’s comprehensive guide to raising a maxed out team in Pokemon Go, if you’re at all curious. Be forewarned though: it’s a huge bunch of bullshit and if you waste enough time on this type of thing then people will rightfully assume that you’re one of the bad online people.

Pikachu punching out Hitmonchan
So much for the tolerant Left!

Nah, if you’re still having fun with this game then more power to you. Especially now that the hype has died down and influence marketers have stopped using the app to plug their decrepit brands. Really anything that you choose to occupy yourself with that isn’t just binge-watching another mediocre show is cool at this point.

5 – For What It’s Worth, John Oliver Has Our Backs On Pure Romance

Pyramid Schemes Aren’t Sexy – The Guilt Driven Psychology Behind Pure Romance

While technically, in the eyes of the Jewish god and Temple Israel, I had my Bar Mitzvah at age thirteen, I didn’t become a man until I realized that Jon Stewart is kind of a chump.

If you look closely, all of those old Daily Show alumni punch Left a little bit more often than I care for, pandering to those La Croix Liberals who like to assign real world politicians to Harry Potter characters but fail to realize that Democrats aren’t Snape or Dumbledore but are actually the ineffectual Ministry of Magic and now I have to give myself a swirlie.

Aside from his patently untrue remarks about third party voters, John Oliver is the one I find most agreeable, however. He’s put a lot of important issues in the spotlight, such as his constant calls to action for net neutrality and his focus on local politics. Even though, the Drumpf bit is waaaay past its expiration date.

Anyway, here’s the Last Week Tonight clip devoted to multi-level marketing. In it, he comes to pretty much the same conclusion as the one stated in our article: scams are bad.

6 – Apparently The Hamburger Helper Mascot Had a Name All Along

White Hat Capitalism

It’s Lefty. Neat!

Author: Brian Fox

Brian is the creator of Vegan Dogfood. He founded this site out of contempt for excessive consumerism as well as a futile effort to reclaim culture from the 1990's blood-soaked talons. Brian is too cool for Facebook but too ugly for Instagram, so follow him on Twitter @Brjyan

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