5 FREE Backyard Games Way Cooler Than Cornhole

Labor Day is over but if you’re like us then you‘re probably desperate to squeeze as much summer out of the next few weeks as possible, before September ends and all of Twitter makes the same bad Green Day joke. That means BBQs, camping, and of course backyard games! Cornhole, though relatively uncool, has occupied the top spot of outdoor activities ever since lawn darts were made (probably rightfully) illegal. A close second would be bocce ball, but is somehow even less cool and infinitely more expensive. I recently heard of a game called kubb, which is a Viking Age leisure activity (cool) played with wooden blocks and various lengths of rope. However, much like disc golf (thoroughly non-cool) the vast majority of kubb players are balding men named ‘Mike’ and therefore can also never be considered cool.

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Pictured: Mike

But your guests still need something to do and we’re running out of ancient civilizations’ games of skill to revitalize! Once again Vegan Dogfood has you covered with five cheap alternatives that are sure to be more fun than cornhole. Starting with:

1. A Secret Underground Fight Club

This one’s been a favorite of mine for years! It’s free and there’s practically zero set up. All you need to get started is a large, featureless room and some ground rules. Once you figure out a bracket and which martial arts styles to ban you’re good to go!

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2. A Wrestling Ring for Your Secret Underground Fight Club

By now I’m sure that you’ve located this wikiHow article on building your own wrestling ring. The idiots who wrote it place the total cost around $200 but we know better than that! Most of the materials, like tires and garden hoses, are found all over the place in suburban neighborhoods. We can even cut the cost of plywood by ransacking every garage on the block for any unfinished “reclaimed wood” Pinterest projects. That just leaves you with the cost of cement to place the metal turnbuckles, but if you’re the kind of person still reading this article then chances are you probably already have a cement guy.

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3. Uh-oh! You’ve Caught the Attention of Billy Blood, The Leader of a Neighboring Town’s Fight Club and He Doesn’t Look Happy

Billy tells you, in no uncertain terms, that you and your barbecue guests must join the ranks of his fight club—The Deathfuckers—or else.

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4. The Doublecross

Months go by and your reputation as the toughest underground cagefighter gets around. Crowds from all over the tri-county area come to all of your matches, hoping for a glimpse of your signature maneuver: stabbing your opponents with a knife. Your popularity, although good for business, has angered Billy Blood, as you ascend the ranks closer and closer to his brother-in-law and business partner, Carlos “The Dentist” Barvitski.

Sensing the coming predicament, you approach Carlos before the fight begins.

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5. Aurora, Wisconsin 2021

You barely remember any part of the way things used to be. Nothing before you and Carlos made off with all of the winnings, nothing before you both ratted out Billy, and especially nothing before the backyard BBQ bonanza that got you into this whole mess in the first place. Your name is Leonard now. You have a steady job in finances, a modest apartment in a small town, and a Boston Terrier named Milo.


To be Continued…

 

Author: Brian Fox

Brian is the creator of Vegan Dogfood. He founded this site out of contempt for excessive consumerism as well as a futile effort to reclaim culture from the 1990's blood-soaked talons. Brian is too cool for Facebook but too ugly for Instagram, so follow him on Twitter @Brjyan

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