Images: Nate McDonough/Grixly.com
Image: MGM Studios
This is the second article in a series dedicated to exposing the hollowness and inadequacies found throughout—the pontifically named—Peak TV as well as suggesting some better streaming options available to stave off that gnawing ennui of yours. Check out my first list of alternatives to overrated shows like Orange is the New Black, here.
People in general are getting a bit better at detecting bullshit TV. Everyone is slowly coming to the realization that just because it airs on HBO or Netflix, doesn’t mean that a series is automatically good. But with content-mill after content-mill depending on your clicks to sustain their existence, the pressure is on to crank out as many glowing internet reviews and ripped-straight-off-of-Reddit fan theories as possible in a desperate attempt to quash any dissent from analytic viewers.
So until it is legal to physically strike anyone who utters the phrase “Golden Age of Television”, I will continue to list all the reasons why pretty much every flag-bearer of the Prestige TV genre should be dismissed from your queue. Take my advice and you will be free from having to figure out yet another shitty app just to watch oh, I don’t know, Game of Thrones but in space this time?
Listen, there might be some spoilers. I’ll try to limit them to only the shows that I‘ll be talking shit about though. Shows such as…
Just a few things to get out of the way:
Keeping those things in mind, I’m going to do my best here to debunk some conventional wisdom that’s been ingrained into this failed social contract of ours. Starting with the…
Well the internet’s a dang mess, innit? It seems like every day there’s some online news organization fucking up in fresh and impressive ways. Whether it’s The New York Times hiring a climate change denier, NPR citing anti-Muslim extremists as experts on Iran, or whatever frothing butthole sounds Vox is making this time, it would appear that the #resistance is trying their hardest to turn Trump’s fake news claims into a sound defense.
And hey, just because we don’t have a budget, a staff, or any sort of journalistic scruples to note doesn’t mean that Vegan Dogfood should be held any less accountable if one of our stories lays a turd. It’s like our new not-in-the-least-bit-sanctimonious slogan that I just thought up says: “Democracy Dies in Darkness”
So with that, here are the six stories we updated for the summer of 2017, with links to their original articles.
The perfectly idealized person should have no use for any possessions that are not vital to one’s existence. I could probably find some douchebag Nietzsche quote to back that up if you wanted me to but I think we’re beyond that as a society, yeah? Still, even the staunchest proponents of minimalism find themselves with at least a few extra accouterments taking up space in their geodesic dome/tiny house/place where they’ve been exploiting squatting rights laws for the past six years. I have named those rare occurrences, when the superficial actually turns out (begrudgingly) awesome, White Hat Capitalism.
It’s mostly just an anti-cop polemic. ACAB. Anyways, let’s get started.
How to defend The Punisher…
Remember when someone took twelve years to make a movie and it was just okay? I mean, it still won all of the awards it was supposed to—the film industry is too mathematical for it not to—but I have to disagree with the folks over at Roger “we gave Gigli three stars” Ebert dot com’s assessment of Boyhood as “indescribably moving.” And not just because calling a thing indescribable is, itself, technically a type of description.*
Can you imagine the decade-long boner that this director had to have for himself, though? Just going to bed every night, knowing that in ten years he would be blindly issued a rubber stamp of approval by the fucking Methuselahs who vote on this shit. That all he needed to do was show up with a camera every so often and pay Coldplay some royalties. Think about the 4,383 days he spent believing he’s creating this haterproof time capsule, and that anyone who doesn’t want to look like an uncultured knave would have to nod along because it’s indescribably fucking moving!
Images: Nate McDonough/Grixly.com
The odds of your friend’s partner being as cool as they are seem kinda slim. Out of the thousands of people you’ve met in life, there’s a minute fraction of a percentage you’re ready to call friend. The best case scenario seems to be that your friends find someone who you get along and has good jokes. That shit is RARE.
I remember the pathetically excessive amount of energy I put into getting a girlfriend when I was younger. After a while it started to seem like dating someone and being single are both nice enough. The sum pros and cons of each, though different seem equivalent. I turned 29 a week ago. Since middle school, the energy I put into convincing girls to date me just ebbed away. Now that energy goes into woo-ing my old friends into hanging out with me. Different situations require different approaches. Though I imagine there’s plenty of overlap between them, here are my ten archetypes and maybe a suggestion on how to see that old pal of yours again.
Continue reading “Sour Grapes – The Nine Types of Couples You Lost Your Friend To (And What to Do Now)”